Hit by an astroid

I've never felt so week and scared in my life. What I've wanted my whole life is standing right in front of me and yet I'm too freaked out to want it. You may not hurt me, but the feeling you bring will.
As I've said already, I wish I didn't know you existed, didn't know you were so close, so near. I'm not ready for you, and I wonder if I'll ever be.
I'm scared and my stomach hurts really bad. I can't ignore that fact that you are out there, and ironically, you are the only one who would usinunderstand what I want to say.
I want to tell you that I can find the courage in me to be with you, but I can't face you saying you aren't. I told you, I'm a coward...

Scented air

There are days like today, that I wish time would stop, and the world to pause, like a motion freeze scene in a movie, so that I could run all the way to your office and find you. So that I could hold you in my arms for a few moments, rest my head on your shoulder and promise myself that a good day will come, when I have the courage to tell you that I care for you, that you've been on my mind all this time; A good day when I am not afraid any more. Then, when my heart is comforted again, I'll run back to this cube, behind this L-shaped desk and let the world move on again, hoping you'll notice my perfume in the air...

Confessions

I lied when I said it doesn't hurt.

Gloomy Sunday

It's May 1st. The trees are in bloom, and the tulips are all open, yet it is still a bit cold here. I walked into a room on Saturday and met someone. I talked to him, watched him speak, and spend the whole day with him and the rest of the group. He was attractive, and calm, with pretty green eyes. I thought to myself, how come I never noticed green eyes can be so beautiful...
We were away, and he gave me a ride back to town. We talked. And I smiled, as much as you can on the first work meeting with a coworker without being rude or flirtatious. He asked some questions, many of them personal, and I was reminding myself to stop daydreaming about him. That he is not interested in me in that sense, he is just simply curious.
I see many attractive guys, neither of them attract me. I might consider them for a physical relation at most, but that is it. I hardly feel my heart beating faster and harder, and I don't feel at ease about it nowadays. I like to have someone in my life, someone who is here to stay, and won't walk away with my heart in his hand. I can't accept that someone will be trustworthy and I have no clue how someone is going to convince me to trust them. All I know is that it will happen, and I'd know they are right by instinct.
I came to my room, thinking that I'd like to fall in love again. I like to spend warm weekends with someone special. I love to watch myself falling for someone, with each laughter, each gesture, each smile. Opened my laptop, sent a thank you email to the group, and added them on LinkedIn. Then updated my FaceBook status: Today could have had our first kiss. Today is so wasted...

Words I can't say, but I can type

I'm trying to go back to the surface, to be out of this drowning pool of memories and emotions, and not being with you, not having you here to hold me in your arms, is not helping.
People ask me about you, they wanna know where are you, and why are you not with me, and I have to pause a little before answering; I need to take a deep breath, blink away the tears that are still filling my eyes, and say we are not together anymore. And without any exceptions, they wear their surprise mask, and ask me why, and they never fail to mention that "weren't you guys super happy with each other"?. And then it comes the hard part, where I have to be strong, very very strong, and say, he didn't love me, he didn't even like me enough. And then it's their turn to wear the oh-I-am-so-sorry-for-you mask, and I have to say it's okay, when it's not, and you know how much I hate lying...
There used to be this girl I knew, who was happy with her life. A girl that was always optimistic even when everything was collapsing around her. Since last Saturday afternoon, she has morphed into this new person, someone I don't know anymore. How did it all happen? How did I end up here, feeling so numb, so exhausted, so sad? It feels like I am riding a merry go round, and no one else is on it. The whole world is spinning so fast around me, and I can't catch up with it. Like time passes super fast while I am in a slow motion. I am tired, and I don't know why you are not here anymore. Did you really do what you did? Did you really say you don't love me? Why? Do you know how much it hurt? Do you still remember that was in love with you when you said it - that I am still in love with you?
Within last week, since you decided to walkaway, three of my ex's contacted me, not knowing what emotional challenges I am facing, and told me they still love me. I hadn't heard from one of them for the past 6 years, and he had to come and say it last week. And I thought to myself, I am being loved by people I'm not in love with, and I am in love with someone who doesn't love me, and you don't love anyone. It's pretty fucked up, right?

I miss you, and that's all

Found it among my notes... From November I guess.

The world is wild, crazy, angry
...
I had always heard about the stories of strangers meeting by accident,
feeling the sparkle, the magic, and holding to it
and after a short time,
having to let go, and be strangers again.
I experienced that the past weekend,
with a musician on his tour.
The band stayed for two nights,
and they left yesterday.
He asked me to go with him,
said he'll take care of everything,
said he can't stay, so I should go with him,
for this shouldn't end, end like this, end so soon...
I stayed, for this was so crazy, so wild;
I got scared, I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Fear

Me? I am scared of everything. Do you have any idea what this means? Everything. I am scared of things that had happened before, things that are happening, and things that will happen. I am scared that what happened to me before, has disabled me from trusting again; so terribly that I won't fall in love again. Can you imagine that? Me, not in love? I am scared that the fact I can't write the way I used to do, the fact that I can't share the feelings I used to share, are indications of this transition.
There was always this other world sitting right next to mine, in which there was no dependence, no can't-live-without-you love, no hug-me-please moments, it was just peace, a milky quiet peace. And I didn't want that. I wanted the colors, the bright greens - when you are walking together in spring day, listening to music together, the oranges - when you are in a party, laughing to a joke, the intense ocean blue-greens - when you are making love - and the whites - when you are sad and silent, and you have each other to lean on. I need the temptation, the heart beat, the gasps.
For reasons I clearly remember, I have been dragged to this world. And I am at peace with life. I am OK. But, I still remember the other side, and that's what messing with my mind. I know how great that feels, and I still long for it. Not being able to get there, makes my skin crawl.
You are sitting at the other end of this table, smiling at me, and talking about sailing. I wonder if you can read my thoughts. I remember how calmly and quietly you are holding my hand, how soft and safe your hands are. You are walking me back to the old world, and you have no idea about it. I haven't felt like this for so long, that it kind of scares me. I haven't felt the heart beat even before the making out, that it surprises me to find myself excited getting a text message from you. And yes, I am scared. I am scared that we can't stay together. Scared that I walk away, in to that milky world again, and not be able to feel like this anymore.

Reader

I need you, to imagine me, imagine this side of my soul that I present to you here, for I only exist if you do so. I need you, to imagine me, in the most extraordinarily ordinary moments of my life, my private secret moments. I need to, because I never dared to look at myself there...
Be here, with me, at this very moment, and imagine me. Imagine me through my cold spell... Help me survive...

Not a Virgin anymore...

It was so overwhelming, so hard, that I needed to talk to someone
I needed to cry, to complain...
I walked in to the health care center
and told the reception: "I need to talk to someone now", with tearful eyes
and there he was, my first therapist
"My life is great, I love my school, my major, and my job" I started.
"I have great friends and a lovely family. I love my home."
He stared at me, and said: "why are you here, crying?"
"I am so tired, holding this fantastic life together. I feel like I can't do it anymore..."

fucking old buried memories

Damn old songs,
you still make me cry...

Priceless

He came in after two nights and one day of not seeing each other
I wanted to talk to him about something
He sat on the couch, I sat on the coffee table
I asked him if he can be here tonight, he said he can
I kissed him.
I was wearing my blue overalls, with a green top
Then, he leaned forward, opened the hooks of the overalls, and laid back again
He smiled, leaned forward again, and kissed me.
A few minutes later, he took my top off, saying it is so warm in here...
That silent admiration, in his brown eyes, in his pretty smile, was priceless.

These simple moments

I find myself smiling when I think about you.

The relationship

I always looked for interesting people,

those complicated minds and souls,

I loved the challenge.

Now, I long for a calm person

with a nice life style

a simple soul, with no buried hatred.

This is what the challenge does to you...

In my secret life...

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin 
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in 
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove 
Dance me to the end of love

Morning Time

My sheets smell like you,
I don't want to wake up...

And Nothing Else Matters

You are here.
You want to be here.
And nothing else matters.

Monologue

You are here, a few feet away
and it feels good. It is comforting to have you here...
You said you don't wanna hurt me, and that I am little fragile now.
You are right, I am, and you have to be gentle.
There are things I need t talk to you about: worries, questions, concerns.
Be good, as good as you are now.
I like this to work.
Be good.

Early Morning Diary

It's Tuesday morning.
Like the usual, I am sitting in the station, waiting for the train.
The station shade has a silhouette of a goose on it, that the sunlight reflects it on the pavement.
It is a white silhouette over a grey shade, which is interesting, as you always see the bird darker than the sky.
I think about the week before: about Ali's trip.
I think of all those old long conversations with people that you don't need to define yourself and your emotions for; as they already know everything about you, and the accepted you the way you are and they still love you.
I remember the night we went to the bar, and Erik showed up. I think about the way he was, so nice and gentle, and I think to myself that this is the first time someone is confusing me this much... And I remember Naomi, how drunk she was, and how desperate...
I think about how complicated some people want the life to be. I remember him saying he would email me, and he didn't; like the call he said he would make and he didn't, the message he said he would reply, and he didn't.
I think about the feeling I had when he left the bar with her, the tears in my eyes: he reminded me of Amin, of all those moments I watched him leave with Mona, in front of my eyes, not even caring about me. Erik broke something in me that night, something that I thought was already destroyed. He touched the old wound, and he slit it open again. And it is so hard to deal with this.
I think about Sara, my lovely sweet Sara. I think about her worries, that never end. I am thinking that in two weeks she might get engaged with Siavash, and I think about her simultaneous happiness and anxiety. I think about Siavash, of how I want to punch him once, for all the troubles he has caused.
And then, I think about Daniel, who has tiptoed his way in my life and is there right now. I think about how nice he is, how kind, and how easy one can fit him in my life: without any complication, any worries, any tears...
Something falls inside my heart when he says "Hello", that long and childish "Hello", that cute face, in the body of a soldier. And I think about how I wished he wasn't a soldier. It scares me. the fact that he might fight a war some day; that he might get killed; that he might kill...
I have to let the universe guide me again, only if I were that patient...

Sa'adi

Sir, I love and owe you more than you loved your beloved.
Someone, here, thousands of miles away from where you lived 8 centuries ago,
is reading your poems, is crying with them, and is falling in love over and over
and feels like she is not alone.
It seems like you are sitting next to her, in the train,
holding her head on your shoulder,
caressing her hair,
and comforting her with your words...
She knows that you felt the same, and that you understand.

She owes you man, a lot. And if one day, a time machine is invented,
she would travel to your time, to give you a hug.
But for now, please accept this, a hug from future.

I love you :)

Work Commute

I was reading Sa'adi, his love poems.
Shajarian was singing: Oh, rain, fall like my blood-shedding heart...
I am gone with the wind, 
As simple as this.