On the subject of dating

And I still keep searching
like a fool, like a sad fool
trying to believe that it will happen
someday, somewhere, with someone...

I am a psycho

Sitting in my cubicle,

staring at the product development tracking sheet

sipping from the strong mocha - in the company's mug -

trying to remember the metrics and formulas

I think of you,

of how fucked up I am,

of what a mess my life is.

I come here,

and I stare at the posts

thinking to myself

what the hell is wrong with me

I feel sick

and I leave.

Then there's a though, a phrase, an issue

and I come back

and I write.

This one took an hour to finish

I deleted the whole thing 4 times I guess

and the rewrote parts of it

and now it's what you see

a multi-digested vomit

of an illusionist...

Puke

Why do I feel so empty when I need to be strong?
Where is me, where did I let go of me?
What happened to this woman in me, in the past 9 months?
I feel like I gave birth to a new born, but I don't see it anymore
It is gone, like it has never been there
I feel robbed, fooled, deceived...

I aged without noticing it.
I aged alone, all by myself.
You stood there, at the threshold,
and you never said a word,
you just watched...

I don't understand you, and it is fucking with my mind
I don't understand why you keep the distance,
and then hold me in your arms like that;
I don't understand why after a whole day of hanging out and being cool,
when I'm about to leave, you suddenly grab my waist and dance to me, so close, so sensual;
I don't understand it.
I am so tired of trying to figure it out either...

This whole is a brain puke,
after a long night of drunken moments,
I know the hangover will come,
as I gave up on you,
and I won't have another sip in the morning,
I gave up on you,
stop coming to my dreams...

Little secret...

I don't wanna show you what you've done to me...

Vague

Looking at my self while looking at myself in the mirror

Hallucination

I felt so sick last night:
a terrible headache, low blood pressure, felt like throwing up.
I wanted you there, to hold me tight
to warm my cold, shaking body, to warm my heart...


There is this empty spot in my life:
next to me in the pictures, in front of me when cheering a drink,
in my arms when I want to give a hug,
on my lips when I want to kiss,
in my bed when I want to make love, to rest.

I hold you responsible for that.

I go out,
I get a cosmo or a martini
I chat, about everything and everyone
I laugh, I feel good
But, on the way back home
I wanna spit that smile
Tell me why you're not here
And I have to cover all these emotions?

How much can you miss someone
that with the first hello,
in gmail chat
you're face becomes wet with tears...
How much?...
I'd just say, I never stopped loving you...

missing you...

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  ~Edna St Vincent Millay