In my secret life...

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin 
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in 
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove 
Dance me to the end of love

Morning Time

My sheets smell like you,
I don't want to wake up...

And Nothing Else Matters

You are here.
You want to be here.
And nothing else matters.

Monologue

You are here, a few feet away
and it feels good. It is comforting to have you here...
You said you don't wanna hurt me, and that I am little fragile now.
You are right, I am, and you have to be gentle.
There are things I need t talk to you about: worries, questions, concerns.
Be good, as good as you are now.
I like this to work.
Be good.

Early Morning Diary

It's Tuesday morning.
Like the usual, I am sitting in the station, waiting for the train.
The station shade has a silhouette of a goose on it, that the sunlight reflects it on the pavement.
It is a white silhouette over a grey shade, which is interesting, as you always see the bird darker than the sky.
I think about the week before: about Ali's trip.
I think of all those old long conversations with people that you don't need to define yourself and your emotions for; as they already know everything about you, and the accepted you the way you are and they still love you.
I remember the night we went to the bar, and Erik showed up. I think about the way he was, so nice and gentle, and I think to myself that this is the first time someone is confusing me this much... And I remember Naomi, how drunk she was, and how desperate...
I think about how complicated some people want the life to be. I remember him saying he would email me, and he didn't; like the call he said he would make and he didn't, the message he said he would reply, and he didn't.
I think about the feeling I had when he left the bar with her, the tears in my eyes: he reminded me of Amin, of all those moments I watched him leave with Mona, in front of my eyes, not even caring about me. Erik broke something in me that night, something that I thought was already destroyed. He touched the old wound, and he slit it open again. And it is so hard to deal with this.
I think about Sara, my lovely sweet Sara. I think about her worries, that never end. I am thinking that in two weeks she might get engaged with Siavash, and I think about her simultaneous happiness and anxiety. I think about Siavash, of how I want to punch him once, for all the troubles he has caused.
And then, I think about Daniel, who has tiptoed his way in my life and is there right now. I think about how nice he is, how kind, and how easy one can fit him in my life: without any complication, any worries, any tears...
Something falls inside my heart when he says "Hello", that long and childish "Hello", that cute face, in the body of a soldier. And I think about how I wished he wasn't a soldier. It scares me. the fact that he might fight a war some day; that he might get killed; that he might kill...
I have to let the universe guide me again, only if I were that patient...

Sa'adi

Sir, I love and owe you more than you loved your beloved.
Someone, here, thousands of miles away from where you lived 8 centuries ago,
is reading your poems, is crying with them, and is falling in love over and over
and feels like she is not alone.
It seems like you are sitting next to her, in the train,
holding her head on your shoulder,
caressing her hair,
and comforting her with your words...
She knows that you felt the same, and that you understand.

She owes you man, a lot. And if one day, a time machine is invented,
she would travel to your time, to give you a hug.
But for now, please accept this, a hug from future.

I love you :)

Work Commute

I was reading Sa'adi, his love poems.
Shajarian was singing: Oh, rain, fall like my blood-shedding heart...
I am gone with the wind, 
As simple as this.

Remember this

You have to be alone, in a half-empty apartment, at 4:30 am, having a horrible nightmare;
then you have to wake up scared, shivering and worried;
you need to call everyone you know who might answer their phones at this time, even friends in other states;
and no one should answer their phones.
Then, you need to burst into tears, and cry for hours, till you fall asleep again;
All these to know that you are alone, completely alone, and all those people who kept calling you the next morning, are way far away...

Something has changed in me since that night.

Non-existing Memories

We could have been to Washington Park today, for a walk.
I haven't been there yet. They say it is pretty big, and beautiful.
I would be so happy to see there, to see all those old giant trees.
And then, I would have given you a hug, a long and tight hug.
A hug filled with gratitude and emotions.
You would have put your face in my hair and smelled it
I would have smelled your neck and kissed it.
Then, we would have gazed in to each other's eyes,
and we would have kissed,
for the first time.
Today, could have had our first kiss.
Today, is so wasted...

Pattern

I met this guy last night,
while chatting with Jason and Robert.
He was cute, really cute
and polite,
one of those guys that you can actually carry a conversation with.
I felt really good.

Jon said I should take it slow.
Said I always acted this way:
Happy, excited, interested,
and they ALL ended up disappointing me.
And I knew he was right.
I felt just good.

He got my number,
he hasn't called or texted me though.
I don't feel good.

On the subject of dating

And I still keep searching
like a fool, like a sad fool
trying to believe that it will happen
someday, somewhere, with someone...

I am a psycho

Sitting in my cubicle,

staring at the product development tracking sheet

sipping from the strong mocha - in the company's mug -

trying to remember the metrics and formulas

I think of you,

of how fucked up I am,

of what a mess my life is.

I come here,

and I stare at the posts

thinking to myself

what the hell is wrong with me

I feel sick

and I leave.

Then there's a though, a phrase, an issue

and I come back

and I write.

This one took an hour to finish

I deleted the whole thing 4 times I guess

and the rewrote parts of it

and now it's what you see

a multi-digested vomit

of an illusionist...

Puke

Why do I feel so empty when I need to be strong?
Where is me, where did I let go of me?
What happened to this woman in me, in the past 9 months?
I feel like I gave birth to a new born, but I don't see it anymore
It is gone, like it has never been there
I feel robbed, fooled, deceived...

I aged without noticing it.
I aged alone, all by myself.
You stood there, at the threshold,
and you never said a word,
you just watched...

I don't understand you, and it is fucking with my mind
I don't understand why you keep the distance,
and then hold me in your arms like that;
I don't understand why after a whole day of hanging out and being cool,
when I'm about to leave, you suddenly grab my waist and dance to me, so close, so sensual;
I don't understand it.
I am so tired of trying to figure it out either...

This whole is a brain puke,
after a long night of drunken moments,
I know the hangover will come,
as I gave up on you,
and I won't have another sip in the morning,
I gave up on you,
stop coming to my dreams...

Little secret...

I don't wanna show you what you've done to me...

Vague

Looking at my self while looking at myself in the mirror

Hallucination

I felt so sick last night:
a terrible headache, low blood pressure, felt like throwing up.
I wanted you there, to hold me tight
to warm my cold, shaking body, to warm my heart...


There is this empty spot in my life:
next to me in the pictures, in front of me when cheering a drink,
in my arms when I want to give a hug,
on my lips when I want to kiss,
in my bed when I want to make love, to rest.

I hold you responsible for that.

I go out,
I get a cosmo or a martini
I chat, about everything and everyone
I laugh, I feel good
But, on the way back home
I wanna spit that smile
Tell me why you're not here
And I have to cover all these emotions?

How much can you miss someone
that with the first hello,
in gmail chat
you're face becomes wet with tears...
How much?...
I'd just say, I never stopped loving you...

missing you...

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Small things

It's been a long time since I know you
a long time since I liked you
...
a couple of days ago, someone started liking you
pretty serious
and started showing it to you
I was there, watching
I thought to myself
if this happens, I'd be sad
...
Then I felt weird
why would I feel sad...
do I like you that much? I never thought so
...
Nothing happened
you stopped it.
and you told me that you did that.
...
I feel better now