Me? I am scared of everything. Do you have any idea what this means? Everything. I am scared of things that had happened before, things that are happening, and things that will happen. I am scared that what happened to me before, has disabled me from trusting again; so terribly that I won't fall in love again. Can you imagine that? Me, not in love? I am scared that the fact I can't write the way I used to do, the fact that I can't share the feelings I used to share, are indications of this transition.
There was always this other world sitting right next to mine, in which there was no dependence, no can't-live-without-you love, no hug-me-please moments, it was just peace, a milky quiet peace. And I didn't want that. I wanted the colors, the bright greens - when you are walking together in spring day, listening to music together, the oranges - when you are in a party, laughing to a joke, the intense ocean blue-greens - when you are making love - and the whites - when you are sad and silent, and you have each other to lean on. I need the temptation, the heart beat, the gasps.
For reasons I clearly remember, I have been dragged to this world. And I am at peace with life. I am OK. But, I still remember the other side, and that's what messing with my mind. I know how great that feels, and I still long for it. Not being able to get there, makes my skin crawl.
You are sitting at the other end of this table, smiling at me, and talking about sailing. I wonder if you can read my thoughts. I remember how calmly and quietly you are holding my hand, how soft and safe your hands are. You are walking me back to the old world, and you have no idea about it. I haven't felt like this for so long, that it kind of scares me. I haven't felt the heart beat even before the making out, that it surprises me to find myself excited getting a text message from you. And yes, I am scared. I am scared that we can't stay together. Scared that I walk away, in to that milky world again, and not be able to feel like this anymore.
