Words I can't say, but I can type

I'm trying to go back to the surface, to be out of this drowning pool of memories and emotions, and not being with you, not having you here to hold me in your arms, is not helping.
People ask me about you, they wanna know where are you, and why are you not with me, and I have to pause a little before answering; I need to take a deep breath, blink away the tears that are still filling my eyes, and say we are not together anymore. And without any exceptions, they wear their surprise mask, and ask me why, and they never fail to mention that "weren't you guys super happy with each other"?. And then it comes the hard part, where I have to be strong, very very strong, and say, he didn't love me, he didn't even like me enough. And then it's their turn to wear the oh-I-am-so-sorry-for-you mask, and I have to say it's okay, when it's not, and you know how much I hate lying...
There used to be this girl I knew, who was happy with her life. A girl that was always optimistic even when everything was collapsing around her. Since last Saturday afternoon, she has morphed into this new person, someone I don't know anymore. How did it all happen? How did I end up here, feeling so numb, so exhausted, so sad? It feels like I am riding a merry go round, and no one else is on it. The whole world is spinning so fast around me, and I can't catch up with it. Like time passes super fast while I am in a slow motion. I am tired, and I don't know why you are not here anymore. Did you really do what you did? Did you really say you don't love me? Why? Do you know how much it hurt? Do you still remember that was in love with you when you said it - that I am still in love with you?
Within last week, since you decided to walkaway, three of my ex's contacted me, not knowing what emotional challenges I am facing, and told me they still love me. I hadn't heard from one of them for the past 6 years, and he had to come and say it last week. And I thought to myself, I am being loved by people I'm not in love with, and I am in love with someone who doesn't love me, and you don't love anyone. It's pretty fucked up, right?

I miss you, and that's all

Found it among my notes... From November I guess.

The world is wild, crazy, angry
...
I had always heard about the stories of strangers meeting by accident,
feeling the sparkle, the magic, and holding to it
and after a short time,
having to let go, and be strangers again.
I experienced that the past weekend,
with a musician on his tour.
The band stayed for two nights,
and they left yesterday.
He asked me to go with him,
said he'll take care of everything,
said he can't stay, so I should go with him,
for this shouldn't end, end like this, end so soon...
I stayed, for this was so crazy, so wild;
I got scared, I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.