Gone with the wave

When you doubt everything,
everyone, every feeling, every action
and you don't have any one to turn to
to hold on
you break: internally.
And there is no remedy for the scar.
You may sooth the pain later,
and move on,
but that wound is still there,
and if you run out of the painkiller,
you feel the pain just like the very first moment
and you feel that your heart is being squeezed
by the strongest fist you've known...
and then you want to scream,
and you cannot...
Then the pain increases
it builds up to beyond your tolerance
so much that you let it go,
you become indifferent to the pain,
just to survive...
Although you wish you'd die
and you'd be gone
there is this weird tendency to survive
and to overcome the battle...
maybe a buried trace of hope
for the goodness after this
but
only the ones who come out from the other side
know that nothing will be the same ever again
and you wish you were gone...

Then you think of leaving
you think of the ocean
that welcoming mass of water
you think of the moment
when it embraces you all over
like no one has ever did
when you'll float
like the time you were a fetus
and you think of that silence
that solitude
that comfort
and you'll finally rest...